Sunday, August 19, 2012
Alright, the mind is kinda in a twirl now. So.. few days ago things were going smoothly, talking with her having fun and all. but at friday, i had spill out some stuffs which were meant to be said 2 years later and she also told me something which she also said to tell me 2 years later. I guess i can't wait. It was kinda like heart to heart talk with her.( in my own point of view) but to her, she feels that things will get awkward. I apologize for it, didn't think she would be feeling awkward.
So today, we talk as usual, but i can sense it's different. She deny it, i cant probe much either. So in the noon i was like telling her to accompany her ah ma, and i dont disturb her. i felt that i kinda push her away after sending the text, so i talk to her again and ask her if she feels that way, she said i think too much, well hopefully i am? then the topic change to something light, nothing to do between us and i suddenly ask abt her younger sister whom i don't remember if i met her before, so we talk talk talk, then she tell me want her to introduce her to me not, i said i don't want. After that she send me a picture contain the 3 sisters together. I thought she was trying to introduce me, so i told her i dont want to see her picture, i only wan to see her, she said i was sweet talking. I don't think i am sweet talking at that time, i am serious about it, she asked if i was angry, and saying i got angry easily, at that point of time, i really felt so angry, sending a text back with scarsem. and she actually tell me i sound unhappy. i felt even worse, she already said i was angry, and still tell me i sound unhappy? Does it mean when i am angry i dont sound unhappy? Then she decided to ignore me, i understand it. It's always like this, who would like it. Hell damm i don't. So when our friend asked us for desserts, i was thinking if i should go. Bound to be awkward. But i decided to go, wondering if she will actually talked to me. Well, apparently, it's just wishful thinking. If just this 1 hour plus meeting i am already unable to take it, i wonder how am i gonna take it on the 21st meeting. Even up to this point, my mind is still in pain, the pain where i cant voice out anything, i had to keep it in me. So i send the text apologizing to them in regards to 21st meeting. I also know i had blew my last chance to win her back. It's kinda like back to square one. This time, i don't know what to do. or what else to say. But i know i still love her deeply.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
After so long, we have finally talk to one another. This feeling i am getting i can't describe how delighted i am. It might not be like the past, but now, i am glad to be able to talk with her. She meant alot to me and i really mean it. Today, we talked about our past, how we felt and also my reasons. Although i still have can't give her the reasons for leaving her alone. i felt ashamed, but i know now is not the time to be, i have to work hard and be the man worthy for her, the man who won't leave her alone anymore. I don't know if she stills has feelings for me, but i hope she still opens her heart to me. I will be entering the army in a week time, idk how the 2 years is gonna be for me, but for her and myself, i will strive to be a better person, a more matured human. Also, i hope she will give me the chance.
I really miss her these few years, but now i am one step forward to reaching her.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Alright, bullsh!ts like *how long it's been* shall not be said, i am back to blogging about how f- up i can be and how it's destroying me.
Today - i mean sunday. was a very wonderful day for me, spending time with my friends. OK they are my poly BEST FRIENDS XD. Yes, and one of them is the girl i am in love with ever since poly started. although things might not have been what i actually hoped for, i am still glad that after 2years plus plus, she is finally talking to me like normal friends will do, i sure am glad abt it. Glad is not a good expression, i would say i am FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT IT!. oh man, it's like a dream come true. so today(sunday) was the 2nd time that we manage to be like normal with one another. I dont know what she was thinking or feel, but what i feel was that, when i pass her my outer wear, a shirt, well i am wearing a tee of course. since she was feeling cold in the Kbox. However, she just refuse to use it and left it seating on the seats the whole time, she would rather endure the cold but not use it. Hais -REJECTION- and yes the feeling sucks, but i dont blame her. i cant. so the feeling kinda stayed there till we were going home and taking a cab! So sending Vivien home first and when we reach the bus-stop, she actually asked me to seat behind, RIGHT BESIDE HER. OH MY GOD, I AM SO OVER THE MOON, but i didn't, cause i swear i would definitely loved her even more. but that's also the reason for confusing me, offering this once in a lifetime offer yet still rejecting my kind offer? idk, my mind was in a mess. After sending them home, i finally reached home! Woohoo, then i started whatapping her, i mention abt her previous ex, and the conversation linked to the question, * To be honest, if there was no sally or vivien, things would the same for me too right?* like how she said she dont talk to that guy anymore. So i have no idea why this dumb brain asked this question at this point of time
but i just went ahead and send. So she said, why do i ask this sort of things when she was begining to feel ok with me. YES, SHE WAS FEELING OKAY WITH ME AND I JUST GOT TO BE A DUMB F*CK AND SPOIL THE ATMOSPHERE. Cheers to the dumb me! now she didn't reply, and it's making me feeling another way, does she see that it's not an important thing that she could just ignore it and go to sleep, not knowing what i was gonna reply her. I dont know man, i feel unwanted at that moment, right now still. these are all my assumption and thinking while waiting to get a reply from her. i don't know what to do.
Leon.
